Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
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*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Me if I was a dog
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.