this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
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Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry