Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
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I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
shit just got real
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.