They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
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Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Aaaa…CHOO!
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”