Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
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Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
when u come home smelling like another dog
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.