Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
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I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.