Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
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Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
The two types of wives
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
The best shot in the history of golf
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.