When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
You Might Also Like
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.