GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
You Might Also Like
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Happy Star Wars day!
I’m Sold!
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I never know how much to tip a cow.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
bad news gang