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“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me