A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
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I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
He wanted to make sure😂
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af