Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
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I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man: