Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
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Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion