What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
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You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife