Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
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The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.