Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
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After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*