You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
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CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)