I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
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To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Never ghost your hitman.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call