First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
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Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Get in loser we’re going crying
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
no
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.