One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
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A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
How software testing works
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser