[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
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Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!