Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
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Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR