I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
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My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Had to try this trend 😊
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.