I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
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Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy