Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
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who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Hot hot hot 🥵
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.