DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
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I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)