am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
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At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
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