My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
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Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
The booster protects against what, now?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it