“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
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10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
starting a garage orchestra
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?