This is always good for a laugh.
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I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Who’s ready for Friday?!