We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
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[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.