I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
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Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.