for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
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So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?