Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
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I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist