Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
You Might Also Like
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.