If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
You Might Also Like
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage