9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
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In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.