That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
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McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Terribly Tuesday.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No