I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
You Might Also Like
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.