“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
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If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Is….Is this an option?
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.