3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
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I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this