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*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I need a headline like this
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.