Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
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The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Europe. Made in Germany.