Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
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wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
“TGIM!” – My liver
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
i want the dreams to chase me for once
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
cats when you pet them too long:
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time