My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
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I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Life cycle of cat
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*