Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
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[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
the prophecies have been fulfilled
R.I.P.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE