They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
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Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I am also baked goods
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel