Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
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[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows