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Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”