[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
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My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.